No Filter

Hi again. Hi, all two readers of mine. How are you? I could be better. Again, Few Readers of Mine might recall that I struggle with some, erm, "Issues". For at least the last eight or nine years I have experienced severe panic attacks, otherwise known as a Panic Disorder. I'm not talking about that girl who sits in the cubicle next to you who accidentally sends an email draft that she wasn't supposed to send and then says, "Omg, I am totally having a panic attack right now!" No. It's not that. It's me standing in the subway station in MacArthur Park, waiting for my train, thinking about literally nothing and then ten seconds later I'm hyperventilating, the world is closing in and things are going black. Like the end of the Looney Tunes cartoon (I guess I'm Porky Pig in this analogy) https://youtu.be/nzZfdWzUrQs   and then it ends with me, losing consciousness on said subway platform. And...That's all folks. This has happened a lot ...

A few months ago, an ex-boyfriend, who had been pursuing me, got through to me somehow. I think the vulnerability that he was able to exploit was my acute sense of loss and loneliness that I was still in the midst of experiencing, post breakup this past year. He could smell it, because desperation smells. Fact. I finally wrote him back: "Sure, let's get together and catch up." I figured we would go to a diner (something we had been fond of in the past) or get coffee, or, at most, go to a real, grown-up dinner. Now, I know that this is a blog titled "No Filter". But I have remote fears that he may read this one day (very remote) and I don't think it's necessary to completely shame this person, so I'll keep the details of what came next between the two of us, only. I can say though, that what he proposed was none of the above, but something entirely different with a few added bells and whistles of inappropriateness. I can't say that I was shock...

It started abruptly on Nov. 9th, at about 4:00 a.m. PST.  I had fallen asleep in front of my laptop, streaming MSNBC, anxiously watching the returns coming in for each state and at some point, I guess when things started looking a little grim, my body gave in to exhaustion.  But like I said: 4:00 a.m., I woke with a start, my laptop still STREAMING/SCREAMING at me, announcing in no uncertain terms, that Donald J. Trump, reality star, professional self-promoter and carnival barker and above all else, world renowned con artist, was elected to be the 45th president of the United States. My mouth formed into an upside down 'U' and I suddenly became the living embodiment of that one emoji you would use to convey shock and dismay.  I stumbled into work later that morning and perhaps a bit childishly, couldn't shake my disbelief that our company didn't have the compassion (for ME) to shut down the office for the day! I mean, we were in the midst of a national trag...

So, I've had a rough week. That being said, life has NOT sucked lately! Things in my life have vastly improved due to several changes in my life. However, there is always room for improvement. Some of you know that I've been a vacillating vegan for years now; my kryptonite can be dairy of any kind, cheese, etc. So it has been TOUGH for me to be consistent with 100% resolve. I'm also a coffee drinker and an occasional, social cigarette is something I'm no stranger to.   The veganism thing is something that I believe in wholeheartedly from purely a moral and ethical standpoint. On the rare occasions in my life in which I've had any disposable income (or even, NOT so disposable) I've given that money to various animal rights organizations. I've never understood the difference between eating a cat or dog or any other house pet and eating a pig or a cow or yes, a chicken or fish. And when I HAVE cheated myself, my moral center, that moral center hurts....

Early Saturday morning, I half-woke crying and gripping my boyfriend's shoulders for dear life. I was having my, maybe, 200th dream about my mother since she died.  They're always some sort of variation on her being in pain and pleading for my help. She died in not a dissimilar fashion. Having suffered with progressive M.S. for the majority of her life and then being nailed with a rare form of blood cancer called Multiple Myeloma, her body was ravaged by nonstop pain and frankly, torture, up until the day she died. And I was her caretaker.  Later that Saturday, my sister-in-law contacted me to let me know that she and my brother and their children would be going to Kauai for their vacation in a few weeks and she would be doing the research on how they could bring and dispose of my mother's ashes there. And, would I be willing to do that? This was something that they were going to do a couple of years ago but for some reason, I've had a hard time relinquishing them from ...

As we all leave this past year behind us, saying, "Goodbye 2014! You ate all of my snacks and talked about your sucky new boyfriend the entire night so GTFO!" We also say with some trepidation, "Sure 2015, I guess you can come in? You seem.....OK ", I've realized that I've learned a little bit about a lot. Or a lot about very little. Actually, I'm unclear which, yet and it's already Feb. 17th, 2015.  Anyway, it's been a long time since I blogged. It's been a long time since I've written anything... period. Although, at this point, I think it would be incredibly out of character and slightly alarming if I churned something out every week or so. I wouldn't want to frighten anyone so I'll just stick to my way of being; in this regard, anyway. Although, (again), flying in the face of that was a flurry of little posts I had written back in the middle of last year, right after I was unceremoniously dumped by both my job and m...