I'm starting to realize the dirty, awful, universal secret that life never in fact plateaus. If it does, then it most likely means that a loved one has removed you from life support in a hospital somewhere.
It's inevitable that once you think you've got it all down; got it all wired, someone, something will get pulled away from you. Or at least, that's been my experience so far; 37 years down the line...slow learner. In my defense, Malcolm Gladwell would say that I'm a late bloomer; as was Cezanne, Marina Abramovic, Martha Stewart and J.K. Rowling. So suck it, Universe.
37 year-old blooming flora aside, the real challenge to getting metaphorically sucker-punched in the stomach, is always how you deal with the aftermath.
I've recently made the delightful discovery that these big life changes and losses don't ruffle my feathers nearly as horribly as they used to. I kind of feared that at this point, I would be full-on into a porn rabbit hole, shooting heroin into my toe webbings and worse yet, eating a steady diet of microwave burritos and 7-Eleven Slurpees.
But, no. None of that has happened. I think a lot of my (patting myself on my back here, now...just indulge me) grace has been about accepting responsibility, being sober and age and experience.
That's all great! But just in case, I've also padded a potential crash-landing with a few tips and I feel like it's my duty...yes DUTY...to share them here with you now:
1.) Watch a LOT of 'Real Housewives of...' seasons. Allow me to explain: These women are horrible. They are the worst people on the planet. At the very least, you will think to yourself "Hey, the chips are down, but at least I'm not throwing pinot grigio in someone's face right now or peeing in my bed in a hotel room (paid for by Bravo) in Mexico." And if you did happen to commit one of these sins, at least you're not doing it in front of three cameramen, dozens of production assistants and 1.5 million viewers. So there's THAT.
A warning though (from personal experience): If you find yourself "looking up to" someone in the cast, that's when you know you've gone too far and it's time to switch over to Netflix and watch a god damned documentary for christ's sake because what the hell is WRONG with you?!
2.) Experiment with different "looks". Right now I'm rocking age-inappropriate pigtails, lime green nail polish and possible body odor. (Yeah, bathing sometimes slips through the cracks a little bit during these trying times). But the point is: Why the hell not?! Who do you have to impress? What important place do YOU have to be? (O.k., please disregard...rhetorical questions such as these may lead you right into a panic attack, soooo scratch all of that and have a paper bag you can breathe into standing by, just in case).
3.) Exercise!! The endorphin high...the feeling of accomplishment that you feel afterwards and knowing that you are REALLY taking care of yourself and treating your body like a temple can do WONDERS for your self-esteem!
Or so I've heard. I don't do that shit.
4.) Buy yourself some flowers. I have no snark to add to that. It's just a really nice, sweet thing to do for yourself.
5.) And above all, know that you are better and stronger than you were five years ago; ten years ago; fifteen years ago. Life WILL get better. And then...it will inevitably crash all around you again and get worse. But at least you will KNOW yourself that much more the next time and just what you are capable of surviving!
Keep it moving and most of all; maybe I'm being a little too hard on microwave burritos. That sounds pretty good right now, actually.
It's inevitable that once you think you've got it all down; got it all wired, someone, something will get pulled away from you. Or at least, that's been my experience so far; 37 years down the line...slow learner. In my defense, Malcolm Gladwell would say that I'm a late bloomer; as was Cezanne, Marina Abramovic, Martha Stewart and J.K. Rowling. So suck it, Universe.
37 year-old blooming flora aside, the real challenge to getting metaphorically sucker-punched in the stomach, is always how you deal with the aftermath.
I've recently made the delightful discovery that these big life changes and losses don't ruffle my feathers nearly as horribly as they used to. I kind of feared that at this point, I would be full-on into a porn rabbit hole, shooting heroin into my toe webbings and worse yet, eating a steady diet of microwave burritos and 7-Eleven Slurpees.
But, no. None of that has happened. I think a lot of my (patting myself on my back here, now...just indulge me) grace has been about accepting responsibility, being sober and age and experience.
That's all great! But just in case, I've also padded a potential crash-landing with a few tips and I feel like it's my duty...yes DUTY...to share them here with you now:
1.) Watch a LOT of 'Real Housewives of...' seasons. Allow me to explain: These women are horrible. They are the worst people on the planet. At the very least, you will think to yourself "Hey, the chips are down, but at least I'm not throwing pinot grigio in someone's face right now or peeing in my bed in a hotel room (paid for by Bravo) in Mexico." And if you did happen to commit one of these sins, at least you're not doing it in front of three cameramen, dozens of production assistants and 1.5 million viewers. So there's THAT.
A warning though (from personal experience): If you find yourself "looking up to" someone in the cast, that's when you know you've gone too far and it's time to switch over to Netflix and watch a god damned documentary for christ's sake because what the hell is WRONG with you?!
2.) Experiment with different "looks". Right now I'm rocking age-inappropriate pigtails, lime green nail polish and possible body odor. (Yeah, bathing sometimes slips through the cracks a little bit during these trying times). But the point is: Why the hell not?! Who do you have to impress? What important place do YOU have to be? (O.k., please disregard...rhetorical questions such as these may lead you right into a panic attack, soooo scratch all of that and have a paper bag you can breathe into standing by, just in case).
3.) Exercise!! The endorphin high...the feeling of accomplishment that you feel afterwards and knowing that you are REALLY taking care of yourself and treating your body like a temple can do WONDERS for your self-esteem!
Or so I've heard. I don't do that shit.
4.) Buy yourself some flowers. I have no snark to add to that. It's just a really nice, sweet thing to do for yourself.
5.) And above all, know that you are better and stronger than you were five years ago; ten years ago; fifteen years ago. Life WILL get better. And then...it will inevitably crash all around you again and get worse. But at least you will KNOW yourself that much more the next time and just what you are capable of surviving!
Keep it moving and most of all; maybe I'm being a little too hard on microwave burritos. That sounds pretty good right now, actually.
Comments
Post a Comment