Hi again. Hi, all two readers of mine. How are you?
I could be better.
Again, Few Readers of Mine might recall that I struggle with some, erm, "Issues". For at least the last eight or nine years I have experienced severe panic attacks, otherwise known as a Panic Disorder.
I'm not talking about that girl who sits in the cubicle next to you who accidentally sends an email draft that she wasn't supposed to send and then says, "Omg, I am totally having a panic attack right now!" No. It's not that.
It's me standing in the subway station in MacArthur Park, waiting for my train, thinking about literally nothing and then ten seconds later I'm hyperventilating, the world is closing in and things are going black. Like the end of the Looney Tunes cartoon (I guess I'm Porky Pig in this analogy) https://youtu.be/nzZfdWzUrQs and then it ends with me, losing consciousness on said subway platform. And...That's all folks.
This has happened a lot over the years. It's very scary, obviously, because I never see it coming. It rarely ever happens when I'm alone and home in my room. It seems to always happen in public so I can never pinpoint the actual trigger. I know that I have social anxiety (hi, I have a BLOG, sooo...) but again, this panic attack/losing consciousness routine is consistent in it's inconsistency and that's super scary.
I look at our current president and I feel jealousy. Not of his wealth. Not of his......ok, his wealth is the only thing I think I could feasibly list, there. But of his particular brand of mental illness.
I'm not trying to be flip about whatever his mental illness happen to be. I also REFUSE to be careful about even SAYING that the man has a mental illness. HE DOES. We've all seen him speak. Something obviously plagues Donald Trump, deeply.
What I'm jealous of is the fact that he seems not to FEEL any of it, deeply. Like...at all! I think he is completely unaware of his personal deficits. If the slightest touch of the: "oh, I fucked up" shadow crosses his mind, he wipes it clear with an opaque sense of rightness that he can seem to access at any time! Any time he wants to!
That's amazing. How does someone do that? I slip into an existential crisis when I jaywalk. I have no idea what it would be like to live in Trump's head.
He lies about...well, nearly everything. Nearly everything that comes out of his mouth (or out of his brain and vomited on to Twitter) is the exact opposite of whatever the facts are. He seems to carry no remorse about this. He is able to, like I said, wipe away any ownership of his responsibility for his lies or for anything else, for that matter.
I'm not writing a post about the fact that Trump lies, for god's sake. We all know the man lies. I'm just writing about the sheer MIRACLE of being able to lie and abdicate any ownership, without any seeming sense of self-reflection.
That must be the ABSOLUTE FUCKING BEST!
I mean it. Think about it: NOTHING is ever your fault and anything that you want to say is just.....TRUE!
And I think that's where the issue of wealth comes in. You're Donald Trump (try and control your gag reflex and just stay with me here): And you inherit a shit ton of money from your extraordinarily strict and unaffectionate pops. You either a.) become like your brother Freddy, who was by some accounts a "fun loving" guy but who succumbs to alcoholism at the age of 43 or you b.) become the personification of the 1980's era nightmare human. You become a real estate developer like pops and you make even MORE money. You add wealth to wealth. Sure, you're able to do that by accruing a ton of debt, working with some extremely dubious characters *cough* mobsters *cough* Russian oligarchs *cough* etc. But who cares?! You're still wealthy. Now you're featured in Page Six with some frequency; (self-planted stories, sure), but you're becoming famous baby! How and where does any self-recrimination enter into that? You're winning. You never had to go to war. You cheat on your wife and commit other transgressions against her, but your money can silence things before they get too out of hand.
And at this point, after years of being able to live this way, you have managed to wrap yourself in such an impenetrable cocoon of DELUSION, that anything you say or do is just true.
Imagine it.
I don't know exactly what made the man this way. Whether it's nature versus nurture. Both? I don't know what particular disorder or mental illness this man has. Is it Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Is he a sociopath? Is it just run of the mill delusion, on a massive, MASSIVE scale? I don't know. We don't know.
I just know this: "I can't be doing so badly, I'm President and you're not." This is what he told Time Magazine in an interview published on March 22nd http://time.com/4710614/donald-trump-fbi-surveillance-house-intelligence-committee/
And he was right. He was absolutely right.
But what he fails to realize is that he didn't win a contest that most SANE human beings would ever want to win. The idea of being President of the United States is completely and utterly worthy of some legit pants-shitting. You are either so completely confident and pan-responsible that you see it as your absolute civic duty to hold the highest office in this country. Or......you're Donald Trump.
There is no "pivot" that the president or his administration could perform that will ever change this person. He is unwilling to change and has demonstrated this time and time again.
For that, I salute the man. I am admittedly jealous of this person. He is protected in that cocoon and I am not, in mine. And that, must be pretty fucking awesome.
I could be better.
Again, Few Readers of Mine might recall that I struggle with some, erm, "Issues". For at least the last eight or nine years I have experienced severe panic attacks, otherwise known as a Panic Disorder.
I'm not talking about that girl who sits in the cubicle next to you who accidentally sends an email draft that she wasn't supposed to send and then says, "Omg, I am totally having a panic attack right now!" No. It's not that.
It's me standing in the subway station in MacArthur Park, waiting for my train, thinking about literally nothing and then ten seconds later I'm hyperventilating, the world is closing in and things are going black. Like the end of the Looney Tunes cartoon (I guess I'm Porky Pig in this analogy) https://youtu.be/nzZfdWzUrQs and then it ends with me, losing consciousness on said subway platform. And...That's all folks.
This has happened a lot over the years. It's very scary, obviously, because I never see it coming. It rarely ever happens when I'm alone and home in my room. It seems to always happen in public so I can never pinpoint the actual trigger. I know that I have social anxiety (hi, I have a BLOG, sooo...) but again, this panic attack/losing consciousness routine is consistent in it's inconsistency and that's super scary.
I look at our current president and I feel jealousy. Not of his wealth. Not of his......ok, his wealth is the only thing I think I could feasibly list, there. But of his particular brand of mental illness.
I'm not trying to be flip about whatever his mental illness happen to be. I also REFUSE to be careful about even SAYING that the man has a mental illness. HE DOES. We've all seen him speak. Something obviously plagues Donald Trump, deeply.
What I'm jealous of is the fact that he seems not to FEEL any of it, deeply. Like...at all! I think he is completely unaware of his personal deficits. If the slightest touch of the: "oh, I fucked up" shadow crosses his mind, he wipes it clear with an opaque sense of rightness that he can seem to access at any time! Any time he wants to!
That's amazing. How does someone do that? I slip into an existential crisis when I jaywalk. I have no idea what it would be like to live in Trump's head.
He lies about...well, nearly everything. Nearly everything that comes out of his mouth (or out of his brain and vomited on to Twitter) is the exact opposite of whatever the facts are. He seems to carry no remorse about this. He is able to, like I said, wipe away any ownership of his responsibility for his lies or for anything else, for that matter.
I'm not writing a post about the fact that Trump lies, for god's sake. We all know the man lies. I'm just writing about the sheer MIRACLE of being able to lie and abdicate any ownership, without any seeming sense of self-reflection.
That must be the ABSOLUTE FUCKING BEST!
I mean it. Think about it: NOTHING is ever your fault and anything that you want to say is just.....TRUE!
And I think that's where the issue of wealth comes in. You're Donald Trump (try and control your gag reflex and just stay with me here): And you inherit a shit ton of money from your extraordinarily strict and unaffectionate pops. You either a.) become like your brother Freddy, who was by some accounts a "fun loving" guy but who succumbs to alcoholism at the age of 43 or you b.) become the personification of the 1980's era nightmare human. You become a real estate developer like pops and you make even MORE money. You add wealth to wealth. Sure, you're able to do that by accruing a ton of debt, working with some extremely dubious characters *cough* mobsters *cough* Russian oligarchs *cough* etc. But who cares?! You're still wealthy. Now you're featured in Page Six with some frequency; (self-planted stories, sure), but you're becoming famous baby! How and where does any self-recrimination enter into that? You're winning. You never had to go to war. You cheat on your wife and commit other transgressions against her, but your money can silence things before they get too out of hand.
And at this point, after years of being able to live this way, you have managed to wrap yourself in such an impenetrable cocoon of DELUSION, that anything you say or do is just true.
Imagine it.
I don't know exactly what made the man this way. Whether it's nature versus nurture. Both? I don't know what particular disorder or mental illness this man has. Is it Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Is he a sociopath? Is it just run of the mill delusion, on a massive, MASSIVE scale? I don't know. We don't know.
I just know this: "I can't be doing so badly, I'm President and you're not." This is what he told Time Magazine in an interview published on March 22nd http://time.com/4710614/donald-trump-fbi-surveillance-house-intelligence-committee/
And he was right. He was absolutely right.
But what he fails to realize is that he didn't win a contest that most SANE human beings would ever want to win. The idea of being President of the United States is completely and utterly worthy of some legit pants-shitting. You are either so completely confident and pan-responsible that you see it as your absolute civic duty to hold the highest office in this country. Or......you're Donald Trump.
There is no "pivot" that the president or his administration could perform that will ever change this person. He is unwilling to change and has demonstrated this time and time again.
For that, I salute the man. I am admittedly jealous of this person. He is protected in that cocoon and I am not, in mine. And that, must be pretty fucking awesome.
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