A few months ago, an ex-boyfriend, who had been pursuing me, got through to me somehow. I think the vulnerability that he was able to exploit was my acute sense of loss and loneliness that I was still in the midst of experiencing, post breakup this past year. He could smell it, because desperation smells. Fact.
I finally wrote him back: "Sure, let's get together and catch up." I figured we would go to a diner (something we had been fond of in the past) or get coffee, or, at most, go to a real, grown-up dinner. Now, I know that this is a blog titled "No Filter". But I have remote fears that he may read this one day (very remote) and I don't think it's necessary to completely shame this person, so I'll keep the details of what came next between the two of us, only.
I can say though, that what he proposed was none of the above, but something entirely different with a few added bells and whistles of inappropriateness.
I can't say that I was shocked, really. But I think that because this person had been pursuing me for such a long time gave me a romantic, idealistic fantasy of what would come next. Actually, let me back up cause I'm not taking enough responsibility here on this whole thing. He had told me that he loved me while we were broken up and I let myself believe that this was a.) true and b.) would somehow stick.
Again, I was sad. Very sad. I was lonely. I was depressed. And I was feeling low. That little fantasy that I let myself have, was very seductive. My oxytocin kicked in on this one and it was over.
So to get back to The Conversation, my reply to his proposal was a very simple and a very stunned, "No."
He wrote back something incredulous and I replied with a further, "I won't do that."
See all-two-readers-of-mine-out-there...? This person did not love me. He wasn't even trying to pretend at this point. And do you know why? I think you might! He knew that I NEEDED something.
My realization of that was almost as critical of what I realized next, what I've realized time and time again: I didn't actually need anything. These emotions that I was feeling were temporary. I knew this.
My list of things that I truly need is not long and it's not complex. Gross, cruel men who enjoy degrading women are definitely not on the short list.
In my defense, again...oxytocin.
SO. A few weeks ago, the White House press pool had a moment of adrenaline and a moment of clarity. They were sick of being booty called and there was nothing in it for them. It was not exactly a satisfying LAY.
Press Secretary Sean Spicer called only certain press outlets into his office for a (doubtfully) spontaneous gaggle and the list was strange and small and I'll let NBC News tell it: The press pool, including NBC, ABC, CBS, and Fox News, were allowed in, as well as several smaller conservative media outlets, including the Washington Times, the One America News Network, and Breitbart, which was formerly run by White House senior strategist Steve Bannon. Time and the Associated Press boycotted the gaggle, according to reporting from CNN.
Time and the AP had that moment of clarity. Fuck you, Sean Spicer. Fuck you, White House. Fuck YOU, budding autocracy. And fuck you, most of all Donald Trump.
Again, my idealism gets in the way, but I want to believe that all of those sentiments were among the ingredients that led Time and the AP to boycott.
I listened to an interview with Russian blogger (and noted Putin adversary) Alexey Kovalev explain that he did not believe it at all necessary to have to have access to the White House press representatives in order to do its JOB and do great reporting on this administration. I believe this wholeheartedly. He further instructed the American press to "have hope. It's all going to be ok." This coming from someone who has had to live under the same oppressive regime since 1997. This, needless to say, broke my heart. So will his explanation of the name of his blog: Noodle Remover.
I never knew that I gave SO MUCH THOUGHT and concern to the freedoms of the White House press pool, but lo and behold I do. That whole incident offended me to my core. What lies ahead is frightening and we need adversarial press. George W. Bush said it himself: "I consider the media to be indispensable to democracy," Bush told Today show host Matt Lauer in a Monday interview to promote his new book, Portraits of Courage: A Commander in Chief’s Tribute to America’s Warriors. "We need an independent media to hold power to account. Power can be very addictive and it can be corrosive and it's important for the media to call to account who abuse their power."He pointed to Russian President Vladimir Putin: "It's kind of hard to tell others to have an independent free press when we don't have one ourselves."
And there it is. Once again, echoing probably every friend you've spoken to since January, when 43 is lookin that good, we're in serious fucking trouble.
I don't think the press NEEDS access to Donald J. Trump or his toadies or his staff. Some might think they do, but they do not. They need sources. They need to investigate and do research.
When someone hands you a shit sandwich, you need to ask yourself, "What am I doing to come off as seeming THIS starving?" You have to throw things away sometimes: access, opportunities, etc. And do it gleefully. Your self-respect and sometimes the fate of the republic are hanging in the balance.
I finally wrote him back: "Sure, let's get together and catch up." I figured we would go to a diner (something we had been fond of in the past) or get coffee, or, at most, go to a real, grown-up dinner. Now, I know that this is a blog titled "No Filter". But I have remote fears that he may read this one day (very remote) and I don't think it's necessary to completely shame this person, so I'll keep the details of what came next between the two of us, only.
I can say though, that what he proposed was none of the above, but something entirely different with a few added bells and whistles of inappropriateness.
I can't say that I was shocked, really. But I think that because this person had been pursuing me for such a long time gave me a romantic, idealistic fantasy of what would come next. Actually, let me back up cause I'm not taking enough responsibility here on this whole thing. He had told me that he loved me while we were broken up and I let myself believe that this was a.) true and b.) would somehow stick.
Again, I was sad. Very sad. I was lonely. I was depressed. And I was feeling low. That little fantasy that I let myself have, was very seductive. My oxytocin kicked in on this one and it was over.
So to get back to The Conversation, my reply to his proposal was a very simple and a very stunned, "No."
He wrote back something incredulous and I replied with a further, "I won't do that."
See all-two-readers-of-mine-out-there...? This person did not love me. He wasn't even trying to pretend at this point. And do you know why? I think you might! He knew that I NEEDED something.
My realization of that was almost as critical of what I realized next, what I've realized time and time again: I didn't actually need anything. These emotions that I was feeling were temporary. I knew this.
My list of things that I truly need is not long and it's not complex. Gross, cruel men who enjoy degrading women are definitely not on the short list.
In my defense, again...oxytocin.
SO. A few weeks ago, the White House press pool had a moment of adrenaline and a moment of clarity. They were sick of being booty called and there was nothing in it for them. It was not exactly a satisfying LAY.
Press Secretary Sean Spicer called only certain press outlets into his office for a (doubtfully) spontaneous gaggle and the list was strange and small and I'll let NBC News tell it: The press pool, including NBC, ABC, CBS, and Fox News, were allowed in, as well as several smaller conservative media outlets, including the Washington Times, the One America News Network, and Breitbart, which was formerly run by White House senior strategist Steve Bannon. Time and the Associated Press boycotted the gaggle, according to reporting from CNN.
Time and the AP had that moment of clarity. Fuck you, Sean Spicer. Fuck you, White House. Fuck YOU, budding autocracy. And fuck you, most of all Donald Trump.
Again, my idealism gets in the way, but I want to believe that all of those sentiments were among the ingredients that led Time and the AP to boycott.
I listened to an interview with Russian blogger (and noted Putin adversary) Alexey Kovalev explain that he did not believe it at all necessary to have to have access to the White House press representatives in order to do its JOB and do great reporting on this administration. I believe this wholeheartedly. He further instructed the American press to "have hope. It's all going to be ok." This coming from someone who has had to live under the same oppressive regime since 1997. This, needless to say, broke my heart. So will his explanation of the name of his blog: Noodle Remover.
I never knew that I gave SO MUCH THOUGHT and concern to the freedoms of the White House press pool, but lo and behold I do. That whole incident offended me to my core. What lies ahead is frightening and we need adversarial press. George W. Bush said it himself: "I consider the media to be indispensable to democracy," Bush told Today show host Matt Lauer in a Monday interview to promote his new book, Portraits of Courage: A Commander in Chief’s Tribute to America’s Warriors. "We need an independent media to hold power to account. Power can be very addictive and it can be corrosive and it's important for the media to call to account who abuse their power."He pointed to Russian President Vladimir Putin: "It's kind of hard to tell others to have an independent free press when we don't have one ourselves."
And there it is. Once again, echoing probably every friend you've spoken to since January, when 43 is lookin that good, we're in serious fucking trouble.
I don't think the press NEEDS access to Donald J. Trump or his toadies or his staff. Some might think they do, but they do not. They need sources. They need to investigate and do research.
When someone hands you a shit sandwich, you need to ask yourself, "What am I doing to come off as seeming THIS starving?" You have to throw things away sometimes: access, opportunities, etc. And do it gleefully. Your self-respect and sometimes the fate of the republic are hanging in the balance.
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